When we first found out we were in denial, we did not want to get hopes up until we saw our doctor, the same doctor that delivered sweet Noah for us. We connected with him and trust him fully and there is no one else we want than Dr. Maher. But with Sharon’s insurance we had to jump through some hoops to get him but we made it happen. We got our appointment with him and were so nervous for that day to come.
Going back into the same office we had been to so many times before with Noah’s pregnancy was tough. It reopened the wound of losing Noah. Memories and feelings rushed back when we walked through that door. We were so naive to it all then, where we feel jaded a bit now, or maybe more enlightened. There was a couple sitting across from us that had been waiting to see if their pregnancy was doing alright. This was their third try to get a viable pregnancy, and it seemed the third time was a charm as the proud father clutched the ultrasound photo of their little baby in his hand. He just kept looking at it, analyzing the data that was imprinted on it as if to reassure himself that what he was experiencing was real. “What is 15fps” he asked his wife? “Is that good, I just wonder if that is high or low, he never told us what that number meant.” His wife just told him that she is sure it is fine. And being a veteran of sorts of ultrasound, I knew it meant 15 frames per second, just the resolution the video was set to on the ultrasound :) But did not say word.
They were glowing. They asked us if this was our first baby too. We didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth. We just nodded and said yes. We told them we are just a little quiet because we are nervous. But inside we were feeling such fear. Fear theirs might end up like our first one which is something we never want anyone else experience. But we know now, It happens. We just sat in deep thought waiting our turn. We were jolted from our inner trances when the nurse opened the door and called us back.
It was Déjà Vu. Us walking down the hallway with pictures of newborns plastering the walls, Sharon getting weighed, the nurse needing a urine sample. We stayed as stoic as we could, almost having to disconnect from what was going on so we would not have a panic attack and breakdown. I remember so vividly those photos of newborns last time. Thinking where we would stick Noah on the wall? Would he look cute as a newborn, or like a wrinkled old man like some of them. Never thinking for an instant his pic would not be up there.
What really got us nervous was when the nurse told us we were going to get an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy was viable. “OH SHIT” I thought. “You mean we might not really be pregnant??” My heart raced. I felt like i was going to throw up. Sharon was strong, she reassured me that everything was alright. But because of our past, I’ll be forever stressed about the possibility of losing our baby.
The time came to go in and get an ultrasound. Again, the feeling of deja vu was haunting me. She brought up the image of the tiny embryo firmly implanted. She then went to find the heartbeat. The emotions rushed over me, I felt a panic as she quickly searched for it. And there it was, a strong, thump thump…thump thump. Sharon and I could not hold it in. We both started crying. It was a sound that we so wanted to hear so desperately just a few months back. We remembered when they looked for Noah’s heartbeat and there was none to be found :( The weird thing, although i am sure they all sound exactly alike, it sounded like Noah’s heart had sounded. Something about the rhythm maybe, we just felt Noah’s presence there.
Finally we asked the question, “Is everything alright? Is it a viable pregnancy?” She looked at us with a reassuring smile and told us, “Of course it is, everything is just fine”. Talk about relief, but we were still restrained from being too happy. We never want to be overly confident or too happy. Life is too fragile and anything can happen, and we have to protect ourselves a bit this time. It was just too painful last time to ever forget.
So there you have it, the Big Announcement. We can’t wait until we find out if it is a boy or a girl, to see if all the premonitions that had foretold us about having a baby boy will come to fruition. But either way, we just want a little one to love and raise.