Well, it is official, we are blessed with a baby girl on the way! And her name is Nora Jessie Hamilton. Early during Sharon’s pregnancy with Noah everyone thought for sure we were having a girl, and Sharon had already picked out the name. Nora was her Nanny’s mother’s name who passed away when Nanny was only 9 mos. And Nanny’s middle name is Jessie. So our little girl’s name will honor two generations of women in Sharon’s family. Well when we found out last time we were having a boy, we settled on Noah since it was close to Nora. It almost seems now like we were destined to raise a little Nora Jessie.
I can’t lie though, there was a big part of me that was hoping for a boy. Partially because I wanted to raise a boy and share all the things little boys like to do, but mainly I wanted a boy because I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in all the things that happened to us. Such as the dollar bill and the prophecies by a few psychics that seemed to point to having a little boy. Plus if we had a little boy I really could have the hope it was my little Noah that came back to me. Now I miss him more than ever. It makes me really sad to have the dream that I was getting him back be gone. The dreams i had of doing all that boy stuff with a son, is no more :( Noah truly is gone, and I miss him so much, words cannot express. I know now I will never see a son of mine wearing all those clothes i helped pick out that still sit in drawers and hang in the miniature armoire I built from scratch. I kinda knew it was a girl, just the other day I walked through what was set up as Noah’s room and smelled Noah. It took me over just like it had the other times. And it was in that moment I knew, although didnt want to believe, that Noah was not in the new baby. But rather was still with us, ready to watch over his little sister when she does come into this world. I have to believe he will be her big brother in heaven. I will tell her the story of Noah and how she has a guardian angel all her own, looking over her.
I am happy though. I know she will be daddy’s little girl and have me wrapped around her little finger, which on ultrasound shows that she had five on each hand thank goodness. And there is no reason she won’t be like me and love nature and the outdoors. I just want a happy and healthy child. I hope she has her mother’s beautiful brown eyes and wonderful spirit. I just need to readjust my thinking. I feel like I have been waiting for a boy for so long, like Noah’s tragic birth and death was nothing but a bad nightmare. Only now it is only too real once again.
I find myself now drifting off in daydreams of what it will be like to hold little girl walking around a zoo as she reaches up to feel an elephant’s nose and see the wonder in her eyes. Perhaps as she gets older her and I can go for hikes in the woods as I tell her stories and teach her about the nature all around us. One can never tell what is in store. I can’t wait to be a father and have a daddy’s little girl in my arms.
Another thing about this development is the fact we have tons of little boy stuff and no girl stuff at all! I know nothing about how to raise a little girl and I am not afraid to say, i am a little scared :)